I said to myself that I would try to do this everyday, even if I didn't have the time to write anything good. 

Part of it is so that...ummm...I guess so that I can keep track of what my days are doing. They all are ending so fast that as I am making progress, I have a hard time reflecting on all that has gone on up to this point. 

There has been so much, and so much still to go. 

I have been feeling really tired and lazy more frequently. I know I should see a doctor about this, with my family history of diabetes and all that, but I keep putting it off. 

I start school again next week and I'm just counting down the days. I want to learn again and this time I know I can finish. 

I have to go, so I can't really finish this, but I'll come back to it later. 

So many things I still want to write about...the state of our surroundings is one of them. My fear about what there is to hope for is another. The idea that time is running out for another topic. The feeling that I'm always struggling to connect to what's important and how confusing it all is. 

Model # 834723

Wow. My description of choice when I have no other words to describe the beginning of my mood. 

Gross, I guess would be an appropriate word right now too. Full, compacted, bored, STRESSED, and strange would all apply as well, I guess ;)

Apprehensive and hesitant of writing again also work. 

But I'm starting to let my self try it and like it again. This writing thing. The machine that pumped out journals and journals of scribbles and thoughts and pages of my-space blogs has had so many updates that I hardly recognize her anymore. 

I like her, though.  She has become more efficient, ambitious, and capable than I had even imagined I doubted her to be. She is determined to prove me wrong, which makes her a very busy and focused human being...

Although, I miss her laugh. She uses it less frequently. As she does her imagination. The thing about laughing and imagining is that you have stop long enough to listen to the joke and see the picture. You have to indulge laughter and vision with time past the point where they are just warming up, to the moment that they erupt into satisfaction. I don't allow myself that kind of time anymore, which seems silly considering that there are many blank lines in my dayplanner. 

Tuesday:

8:00am Laugh

8:15am Imagine

Note to self: Call Pete's before 8:30am and tell them you wont be taking that job because you had to make a decision and you started Ennie with Pete's and Mo picked Starbucks. 

I start school this fall. 

Two years. I have to fit this goal within 730 days. That sounds exciting...and the adrenaline is giving me anxiety. That's what that chest-closing-in-on-your-heart feeling is, right? Add that to gross and full. 

But I will say this, I'll take those words over, meaningless and unimportant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things. 

730 days = Education 

or 

730 days = Yo-yo my way up the bullshit corporate ladder in customer service when I am struggling everyday to hide that fact that I think customers are the epitome  of everything that is tragic and wrong about humanity. 

I think I can do two years of school. I have to. I want to. I guess I'm just nervous about remembering how. And to be honest, I don't have a stellar track record of completion...for anything. 

But I guess that's where my updates come in. I have upgraded my internal system with a time management option, as well as a reaction mechanism for failing to produce results. However, that means that files that once used up capacity for family and friends are in danger of being removed. 

This, my internet strangers (and maybe some old real friends-I hope), is the crux of my anxiety. 

To be continued...always.