Doctor's appointment. Note to self: I need to make a doctor's appointment. 

And a Dentist appointment. 

And a lobotomy appointment. 

And a self-discovery appointment. 

I'm over this wait. I'm just over this. 

Attention deficit. A disorder. 

Would the order be attention abundance? Where you can pay attention to all of it at the same time? 

No more. I don't want to pay attention to any of it. It's just so overwhelming. 

I am overwhelmed. I am tense and anxious. I don't know what to do about any of it. I can't shake the feeling. 

I keep thinking I need to go back to church, but this has become a problem for me because I no longer know where I fit and I no longer know what to believe. 

Not knowing what to believe. Is that a sin? Like the one that will drop you straight into hell? 

I've become more and more afraid of being wrong. 

On the "Ticket to Heaven" the man handed me it said that God never lets you down. I'm sure God didn't, but my belief in Him did. My belief of Him didn't hold up in the sun. 

As I'm grabbing at anything to make sense anymore, I went back to those Buddhist theories that kept me at peace through those teenage years. some of it aligns to what I sense to be true in my world, but some of it I really wonder if it really is an accurate picture of human beings and what our purpose is in our existence. From what I understand we are supposed to try to see everything AS IT IS. Bypassing our imaginations and our "perceptions" to touch the 'reality' that is underneath it all. And when (after many many years in a monastary) we do (if we do) we will see that nothing is anything and everything is everything. That there is really no you and really no me. Just we and all and all and we. This is kind of the motivation for you to have compassion and love for everything around you. Because everything is you, and if you hurt other beings, you really are hurting yourself. 

I get it. But i just don't think this is all of it. 

In this book I am reading on Buddhist psychology he talks about perceptions and images as enemies of our minds, at best neutral aspects of it. But I can't help but think that there is a missing part of the explanation where it says that beings with perceptions and imaginations are just the way we were intended to be. That these are not troublesome functions we were meant to overcome, but precious parts of our machinery we were meant to be with. 

That we exist wasn't an accident, and yet we certainly did not "think" ourselves into existence. We are rogue children who refuse the love of our creator simply because we are afraid and have wandered so far from what was our intended way of being that goodness and belonging are nothing we recognize as safe and right any longer. 

Yet we want it. We crave it. We misguidedly set out in search of it. But we search for it in the dark, without a light, without a guide. And the Guide is where the controversy comes from.