I really should be reading the Bible right now

You know, it's so funny, but I haven't thought ahout this blog, appearantly since November of 2008 ;p. But it just so happened that a long lost friend of mine pays attention to the margins of facebook and reminded me that I had a record I had long abandoned. Thanks Jon! PS, I am still going to write a science fiction novel :)

Anyway. So....ummm...right.....

Recording. That's right, I started this in order to record. Well, I have been in school for almost two full terms. I'm happy to report that, as predicted, I LOVE it!!! I am pushing myself more than I ever thought I would, yet it doesn't feel like work....

Work, now that feels like work. But today my district manager said (after I confessed to him that I am a nerd) that nerds make good managers. To this I very quickly and forcefully said, "Or good teachers." And you know what? It felt soooooo good and sooooo right to say that to him, to say, yeah, I could do this job, but I simply am not going to.

It only took 5 years for me to wake up and step outside the cacoon of delusion. And its taking me a little longer to wipe off the slimy residue, but I'm out! And I'm slowly realizing, "There is no spoon." ... Yes, I did just make a Matrix reference, and yes, my current and previous jobs were using me as a battery to fuel their fucked up machine. I'm still plugged in, but fuck if I'm gonna be their tool. At this point, their money is my tool, and with any luck I wont be dependent on it too much longer...Yes, I'm going to print my own money...or not.

I am, however, procrastinating right now...I have a major essay due on Monday where I have to compare the Wisdom books of the Bible and point out the contradictions and hypothesize why they are different. I'm excited to write this (because I'm a nerd, really), but do you know how effing heavy that book is! As in it has a lot of words, plus the meaning of the words themselves weight a ton. Which is exactly why this will be fun :) Pat, my boyfriend, always wants me to work out with him, I should start asking him to hold my Bible instead.

Ok, can I just say how hillarious that is to me. So hilarious that I actually do take my Bible to the gym and do about 30 minutes of cardio while Solomon is telling me that everyting is meaningless. I almost feel like this is somehow sacrilage, but to see the look on people's faces is nothing but fascinating. It is my own personal joke, I understand this, but that's exactly why this concept is so comforting and validating for me.

Not too long ago even looking at the Bible would stirr up chaos in my soul. "Why does anyone have to go to hell?!" I would ask. God would answer, "Let me deal with that question."
"Why are you so fucking scary, God?" He would answer, "Don't worry Darling, I know you." "God, is it wrong that I'm in love?" God: no answer.

This suspended me in such a state of distrust that I became an alien to the landscape of my own soul. I did not feel safe there. I felt like such a stranger and for a long time I failed to recognize the fact that I existed, and that existing was sometimes enough. I lost the courage to live in the freedom that this optomistic existentialist perspective can facilitate. I lost the courage to believe just because it is simply human to believe. I forgot the validity in the contradiction between believing and existing.

I believe and I exist....Now, I feel valid again. I feel legitimate as a lover, a companion, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a human being, a believer, and a non-believer. I am, therefore I am...and because I am, I have been and can be. Now, the CAN BE part, that is why I am here. Next to this window. With my Bible at my side.

PS. My "Bible as Literature" teacher is an atheist...just FYI :)