There is clarity in this. In this love. There is a connection to something real and complete and lovely. And it goes well beyond the people who poses this love. There is a complete forgiveness and a complete knowing of how trivial anything is, anything but this love. I miss them so much. I miss them so much, but as I look to the sky to open my heart to the same infinite space above us all, I feel them. I FEEL them. I know they are there and they still possess their beautiful, complicated, subtle, giving souls...even if I can't see them, hear them, like I used to. I know what she looks like still in my mind. I still know the places where her face softens in her distress. Yes. I still know what that looks like.
I know what his smile looks like, full and brave, and especially sturdy. Yes. These are my parents. Especially sturdy, especially lovely...
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Ethnic
The question sais, "What qualities, strengths, and experiences do you have in working in culturally/ethnically diverse learning environments?"
Ummm, none, none, and none. Well, that ought to do it, right? I think that will be my submission for this scholarship application. At least it will be honest, right? I'm having a big problem with this. It has something or other to do with a fading part of my identity. I am nothing more or less than what I am, but this question makes me think that I am very much limited to what I understand. Therefore, does that make me un-ethnic? Un-culturally diverse? And if I am un-these things, what does that mean in terms of what is expected of me reagarding the color of my skin? The place that my parents called home? In terms of what I can offer a culturally/ethnically diverse learning environment.
I just had this thought: I don't want to be so goddam ethereal in the conventional American way. I think about American boredom and the American search for meaning and truth and beauty and I can't help but think that as Americans, we are terribly disadvantaged at actually being able to connect with these things. There just seems to be too much noise, too much knowledge of the most trivial things, and not nearly enough wisdom to be drawn from quiet landscapes and ancestry. We as Americans quickly dispose of our tried and weathered ancestry to make room for the next youthful arrogance. I'm tired of this arrogance. My own, and that which I witness. I'm tired of it, of how solid and empty if makes me feel, makes me see the world. I long for something sincere and old and wise. Something un-American, something perhaps a little more...ethnic.
Ummm, none, none, and none. Well, that ought to do it, right? I think that will be my submission for this scholarship application. At least it will be honest, right? I'm having a big problem with this. It has something or other to do with a fading part of my identity. I am nothing more or less than what I am, but this question makes me think that I am very much limited to what I understand. Therefore, does that make me un-ethnic? Un-culturally diverse? And if I am un-these things, what does that mean in terms of what is expected of me reagarding the color of my skin? The place that my parents called home? In terms of what I can offer a culturally/ethnically diverse learning environment.
I just had this thought: I don't want to be so goddam ethereal in the conventional American way. I think about American boredom and the American search for meaning and truth and beauty and I can't help but think that as Americans, we are terribly disadvantaged at actually being able to connect with these things. There just seems to be too much noise, too much knowledge of the most trivial things, and not nearly enough wisdom to be drawn from quiet landscapes and ancestry. We as Americans quickly dispose of our tried and weathered ancestry to make room for the next youthful arrogance. I'm tired of this arrogance. My own, and that which I witness. I'm tired of it, of how solid and empty if makes me feel, makes me see the world. I long for something sincere and old and wise. Something un-American, something perhaps a little more...ethnic.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I really should be reading the Bible right now
You know, it's so funny, but I haven't thought ahout this blog, appearantly since November of 2008 ;p. But it just so happened that a long lost friend of mine pays attention to the margins of facebook and reminded me that I had a record I had long abandoned. Thanks Jon! PS, I am still going to write a science fiction novel :)
Anyway. So....ummm...right.....
Recording. That's right, I started this in order to record. Well, I have been in school for almost two full terms. I'm happy to report that, as predicted, I LOVE it!!! I am pushing myself more than I ever thought I would, yet it doesn't feel like work....
Work, now that feels like work. But today my district manager said (after I confessed to him that I am a nerd) that nerds make good managers. To this I very quickly and forcefully said, "Or good teachers." And you know what? It felt soooooo good and sooooo right to say that to him, to say, yeah, I could do this job, but I simply am not going to.
It only took 5 years for me to wake up and step outside the cacoon of delusion. And its taking me a little longer to wipe off the slimy residue, but I'm out! And I'm slowly realizing, "There is no spoon." ... Yes, I did just make a Matrix reference, and yes, my current and previous jobs were using me as a battery to fuel their fucked up machine. I'm still plugged in, but fuck if I'm gonna be their tool. At this point, their money is my tool, and with any luck I wont be dependent on it too much longer...Yes, I'm going to print my own money...or not.
I am, however, procrastinating right now...I have a major essay due on Monday where I have to compare the Wisdom books of the Bible and point out the contradictions and hypothesize why they are different. I'm excited to write this (because I'm a nerd, really), but do you know how effing heavy that book is! As in it has a lot of words, plus the meaning of the words themselves weight a ton. Which is exactly why this will be fun :) Pat, my boyfriend, always wants me to work out with him, I should start asking him to hold my Bible instead.
Ok, can I just say how hillarious that is to me. So hilarious that I actually do take my Bible to the gym and do about 30 minutes of cardio while Solomon is telling me that everyting is meaningless. I almost feel like this is somehow sacrilage, but to see the look on people's faces is nothing but fascinating. It is my own personal joke, I understand this, but that's exactly why this concept is so comforting and validating for me.
Not too long ago even looking at the Bible would stirr up chaos in my soul. "Why does anyone have to go to hell?!" I would ask. God would answer, "Let me deal with that question."
"Why are you so fucking scary, God?" He would answer, "Don't worry Darling, I know you." "God, is it wrong that I'm in love?" God: no answer.
This suspended me in such a state of distrust that I became an alien to the landscape of my own soul. I did not feel safe there. I felt like such a stranger and for a long time I failed to recognize the fact that I existed, and that existing was sometimes enough. I lost the courage to live in the freedom that this optomistic existentialist perspective can facilitate. I lost the courage to believe just because it is simply human to believe. I forgot the validity in the contradiction between believing and existing.
I believe and I exist....Now, I feel valid again. I feel legitimate as a lover, a companion, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a human being, a believer, and a non-believer. I am, therefore I am...and because I am, I have been and can be. Now, the CAN BE part, that is why I am here. Next to this window. With my Bible at my side.
PS. My "Bible as Literature" teacher is an atheist...just FYI :)
Anyway. So....ummm...right.....
Recording. That's right, I started this in order to record. Well, I have been in school for almost two full terms. I'm happy to report that, as predicted, I LOVE it!!! I am pushing myself more than I ever thought I would, yet it doesn't feel like work....
Work, now that feels like work. But today my district manager said (after I confessed to him that I am a nerd) that nerds make good managers. To this I very quickly and forcefully said, "Or good teachers." And you know what? It felt soooooo good and sooooo right to say that to him, to say, yeah, I could do this job, but I simply am not going to.
It only took 5 years for me to wake up and step outside the cacoon of delusion. And its taking me a little longer to wipe off the slimy residue, but I'm out! And I'm slowly realizing, "There is no spoon." ... Yes, I did just make a Matrix reference, and yes, my current and previous jobs were using me as a battery to fuel their fucked up machine. I'm still plugged in, but fuck if I'm gonna be their tool. At this point, their money is my tool, and with any luck I wont be dependent on it too much longer...Yes, I'm going to print my own money...or not.
I am, however, procrastinating right now...I have a major essay due on Monday where I have to compare the Wisdom books of the Bible and point out the contradictions and hypothesize why they are different. I'm excited to write this (because I'm a nerd, really), but do you know how effing heavy that book is! As in it has a lot of words, plus the meaning of the words themselves weight a ton. Which is exactly why this will be fun :) Pat, my boyfriend, always wants me to work out with him, I should start asking him to hold my Bible instead.
Ok, can I just say how hillarious that is to me. So hilarious that I actually do take my Bible to the gym and do about 30 minutes of cardio while Solomon is telling me that everyting is meaningless. I almost feel like this is somehow sacrilage, but to see the look on people's faces is nothing but fascinating. It is my own personal joke, I understand this, but that's exactly why this concept is so comforting and validating for me.
Not too long ago even looking at the Bible would stirr up chaos in my soul. "Why does anyone have to go to hell?!" I would ask. God would answer, "Let me deal with that question."
"Why are you so fucking scary, God?" He would answer, "Don't worry Darling, I know you." "God, is it wrong that I'm in love?" God: no answer.
This suspended me in such a state of distrust that I became an alien to the landscape of my own soul. I did not feel safe there. I felt like such a stranger and for a long time I failed to recognize the fact that I existed, and that existing was sometimes enough. I lost the courage to live in the freedom that this optomistic existentialist perspective can facilitate. I lost the courage to believe just because it is simply human to believe. I forgot the validity in the contradiction between believing and existing.
I believe and I exist....Now, I feel valid again. I feel legitimate as a lover, a companion, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a human being, a believer, and a non-believer. I am, therefore I am...and because I am, I have been and can be. Now, the CAN BE part, that is why I am here. Next to this window. With my Bible at my side.
PS. My "Bible as Literature" teacher is an atheist...just FYI :)
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